Sunday, May 21, 2006

Why I've Been Quiet

It's been difficult to write this week. A couple of incidents have left a bitter taste in my mouth, and I have been struggling to rid myself of this bitterness.

I don't want the things I write here poisoned with bitterness. Today's post is just an honest reflection of my struggle to walk through the hurt.

Can I honestly say I've forgiven if I don't feel warmly about the people involved in our spiritual abuse? I want to leave it all in God's hands. I understand that justice and judgment belong to Him.

But in seeing the person who instigated the abuse, I feel violated, nauseous. I don't want to remember. I don't want to be reminded that he got away with evil. No one suspects a thing. His reputation is intact. Those around him bow to him as their spiritual leader.

Anyway, I know what I "should" feel. It's just frustrating having to continually forgive, let go, and try to heal. I feel so low on the grace I need to get past this.

I'm tempted to hit the delete button and pretend everything is great, but this is my reality today. Sorry.

15 comments:

Anonymous said...

I don't know how long we have to deal with that. It sad when people who hurt us are acting as nothing happened or they are thinking that they are doing the right thing.
I still don't understand why God is letting them being in charge of a church, so I have to think He knows better than me.
Now I'm living at thousand of miles from Vail, CO, though I don't see them sometimes I get known about their life/action because I also received this treatment from a guy of my country that live there.
That's interesting about the dreams. On the same week when I was told I don't have the position at the Christian School (the day I was going to sign the contract, the principal told me that the senior pastor want to talk with me about it, because wasn't her decision) I have a dream about who were taking that position.
After 2 month of that dream I could see how that dream becomes real. The guy from my country, one' of the "pastor" of that church influence in others on that decision and he received that position. Well, that was only a part of what I had to pass through.
I also think Jesus in his love was sometimes hard talking with the arrogant Pharisees.
In the meanwhile, I read about emerging conversation and I’m listen some sermons about it, and what I can say is that I'm glad that there's a difference.
Sorry... I know my English is not perfect.

Steve Sensenig said...

grace,

Thank you for your honesty. I think my wife and I can understand some of what you are feeling. You are not alone in all of this!

But even more importantly than our ability to identify with you in your feelings, our High Priest is able to identify with you. I don't say that flippantly, but to encourage you to stay true to what you know.

Your blog is a blessing to me. Thank you for writing what you do.

God bless,
steve :)

John Frye said...

Grace,
Honesty is the closest thing to the holiness of God. Thank you. With Steve above and his wife, Julie and I enter into this with you and identify with your feelings. "He walked where we walk; He felt what we feel...."

Rob said...

Once again, you put into words some of Wendy's and my journey. Praying for you. I know how it feels!

Something that I've been ruminating on recently (this may or may not "fit" with your post, so feel free to disregard if necessary):

"Forgiveness does not require repentence, but reconciliation does."

David Cho said...

Thank you, grace for your honesty in this. Forgiveness is definitely easier said than done.

Pam Hogeweide said...

this too shall pass...

{ hug }



pam

Cindy said...

Grace, I do think you can say you've forigven without feeling good about those who hurt you. It's taken me a decade to get to this point, you remember. Robby is right. Reconciliation isn't synonymous with forgiveness. I think in our PollyAnna-infused Christianese-speaking God cult-ure we've gotten used to the notion that forgiving can always be instantaneous (if you're Godly enough) and that after forgiving someone, our emotions are immediately transformed (or you never really forgave). I dont buy it.

To my knowledge, those who hurt me never repented. I have forgiven them. But I go out of my way never to see them, lest I UN-forgive them. I know that flies in the face of how we're "supposed" to feel and behave, but I'm pretty firm in it at this point. I don't want to see them. I don't feel compelled to "test" my level of forgiveness.My forgiveness is for my sake entirely- not at all for them since they don't seem to think they need to be forgiven.

I'd like to ask you to consider that maybe you don't know how you "should" feel but perhaps know how others say you should feel. I think that in some cases our expectations of ourselves need as much healing as our wounds.

Bruce said...

Interesting post and comments. Are we to forgive if the person(s) who wrongs us never asks for forgiveness? Never repents about how they treated us? Jesus talked about the person doing the wrong to us returning and asking for forgiveness, and we are damned it we don't give that forgiveness. But how do we forgive if we aren't asked for forgiveness? Does God forgive us if we don't repent and ask? It's much easier for me to forgive when someone wants forgiveness, than to forgive someone who doesn't care one bit how they made me feel.

Just some thoughts I've never thought before.

B~

Linda said...

You guys are so awesome! Thank you for your encouraging comments.

hugo,
I don't really like knowing about what's going on at the old place, but I think in some ways it helps so that I will deal with it instead of pretending it didn't happen. I can see that God is using what happened to grow me up, even though sometimes it's with lots of complaining on my part. I pray that you will also experience His grace as you grow beyond the painful times.
Blessings to you, and your english is fine, better than my spanish. :)

steve,
Thanks for the encouragement. Sometimes when the hurt is triggered, I do lose track of what I know is true.
Great discussion going on at your blog by the way. I've been trying to keep up with reading the latest few posts and comments.

john,
Thank you for your support. I know that this is just another step in the journey to eventually being completely healed. It's too bad it's not a once-and-for-all sort of healing.

robby,
Thanks for praying, it helped. The darkness and despair have lifted. I'll be commenting over at your place about reconciliation.

david,
Yes, and maybe there are levels of forgiveness. Right now I'm at the level where I can say, "I forgive you, but I would rather not look at your face." I'm guessing that's probably less than complete. God will have to help me forgive more, cuz that's all I've got for now.

Thanks Pam, I needed that. :)

oops! I've got to run.
Replies coming later for everyone.

Steve Sensenig said...

Grace, I didn't realize you were reading my blog. I hope it is a blessing to you! Feel free to chime in as your time and interest allow you.

steve :)

Trailady said...

Hey there, Nice to read a blog of someone being REAL! We all have good & bad times. My husband and I are currently in a very similar situation. How well I know what it's like to be spiritually abused. If you read some of my archived posts, you will learn the details. I just want to let you know that I hear you and I care. I hope you find the healing & a sense of forgiveness.

Shake the dust off your feet & move on. Congratulations on letting go of the church-centered life. God bless you, Grace!!

Bruce said...

Thanks inheritor...this one line sums it all up: "Forgiveness is first and foremost FOR US."

His peace.
B~

Linda said...

inheritor,
I am hopeful that my feelings will eventually come into line with the "legality" of forgiving.

My understanding of forgiveness and reconciliation is pretty much the same as what you explained. I forgive because I believe it is what is necessary.

Restitution is an aspect of this that might be interesting to discuss.

cindy,
Thank you for what you shared. It really helped. I seem to go through a cycle of UNforgiving, repenting, and then REforgiving. 70 times 7, right?

I have to believe there will come a day when I will feel at peace about all of it.

angela,
Thanks so much for what you shared. I can identify with everything that you said.

It is hard feeling like they got away with it and that so many people willingly follow along, especially in participating in the shunning, without even questioning.

bruce,
Great questions. I forgive in order to free myself from the person who hurt me. I choose not to be linked to them with a cord of bitterness. Therefore, I willingly cut that cord, and release myself.

steve,
I will chime in sometime. I find myself very much in agreement with the things you are writing, and I really appreciate the generous tone among your commentors.

trailady,
It's great to meet you. I think I am finally getting to the moving on phase. It seems up until now I've been grieving and letting go.

randy,
I really appreciate what you've shared. At the time we left, fortunately the Lord was very clear in directing us to leave quietly without bringing accusation, and leaving it in his hands.

Right now, I'm trying to release my concern for how He deals with it. I don't want to be watching for when they "get theirs." However, I still struggle when they appear to flourish.

One of the things I am grateful for has been the process of stepping back and examining the things that I believe and value. I have certainly learned a lot. There are old things I have rejected and new things I have embraced.

I agree with you that I don't want bitterness and divisiveness to poison my future. I try to continue to examine my heart and deal with the wickedness I find.

Thanks for adding to the conversation.

Anonymous said...

I hope you don't mind if I join in the conversation. I had an experience at my former church that I would characterize as abusive. Leaving was one of the most difficult decisions I ever made. It was hard to walk away from so many people that I had loved and loved me. It was also hard to accept that these people I had loved and trusted would betray me so completely. In a lot of ways, it remains a very painful part of my life.


But one thing was very helpful for me on the subject of forgiveness. I was struggling to forgive and finding it very difficult to do so when the person did not even admit he had done anything wrong. And this bishop told me it was too soon to forgive. He said forgiveness is of course where we all want to be, and with God's grace we will get there. But he then said that forgiveness is a process that doesn't happen overnight, even when we want it to. And sometimes by trying so hard to forgive to soon we don't go through the whole process of dealing with the grief, the anger and the pain. Then he said I needed to give myself a break, allow myself to feel whatever I was feeling, share those feelings honestly with God (God can take it you know), and with time forgiveness would come. But forgiveness doesn't come by concentrating on the need to forgive. Forgiveness comes in the difficult, arduous journey toward healing.

What I took that to mean was that if I concentrate on healing, and asking God for healing, then eventually forgiveness will come out of that. But if I concentrate solely on forgiveness, then I never give myself a chance to heal and any forgiveness I try to offer isn't genuine.

Anyway, hope this helps.

Linda said...

anonymous,
Thanks so much for sharing your experience. I think what you said is very true, and that to focus on the healing rather than the forgiveness is a good point.

Possibly some of this is semantics, but as far as forgiveness goes, I've looked at it as simply releasing my right to stand in judgment over this person.

In a technical sense, I'm fine with that. But in a heart sense, I know that I'm not a place of loving and blessing them yet.

I believe though, as you said, that if I continue to pursue healing, I will eventually find honest peace about the entire situation so that the forgiveness is truly genuine.

I really appreciate what you've shared here.