I spent many years addicted to hype - chasing god, praying for breakthrough, anticipating the next conference, pressing in, marching forward, fasting for revival, proclaiming the vision, etc.
Not that there is anything wrong with all that, but personally, I am disillusioned about church life.
Graham Cooke describes the deteriorating condition of worship in the temple at the time of Jesus:
A creeping institutionalism had given way to form without power, to style without substance, and to a performance mentality that elevated men, not God, in the presence of people. People did things to be seen of others; rules of behavior governed the lives of many. Leaders had become blind guides, searching the Scriptures without prophetic insight. Those who most desired the coming of the Messiah missed Him because their interpretation of Scripture was not mingled with prophetic wisdom. (A Divine Confrontation, Graham Cooke)
Along those same lines, someone else said this about church in our time:
The age of institutional religion is fading and will pass away. People are not interested in coming to our fortress, they are interested in finding a living God in the life they lead. That's why Jesus tapped into the human hearts by proclaiming the Kingdom in the midst of a people who were disillusioned with religion. It wasn't about coming to the synagogue, it was about universal accessibility to God opposed to the exclusivity of the Pharisees.
The listlessness waned and I found myself being drawn to the Lord's side and settling into a place of rest and peace in Him. If I can only be near Him, I don't need to know the outcome of this journey.
Some wise words from a friend:
Disillusionment, I am beginning to suspect, is exactly where God would take some of us in His effort to bring us closer to himself. (Pam Hogeweide)
The whole point of vulnerability (disillusionment) is to bring us to a place of restful dependence on God.
I will continue to imagine, deconstruct, and ponder the condition of the church. I can't help myself. However, I have a sense of anticipation in watching God's plans for the church unfold.
Revelation is not just our ability to hear the Lord. It is also about our capacity to carry that truth and to be built into the new thing the Lord is creating. (Graham Cooke)
This is what I want most for the new year, to be personally changed and shaped by the truths the Lord reveals to me.